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Paul's predictions for 2008
A few predictions for the new year. Be advised, these come from a person who regards horoscopes as trifle (notice how they never say “Stay home! You will die if you leave the house!”) and Nostradamus as a badly misunderstood poet. Also, I did come in last in the paper's 2007 football forecast. In a remarkable turnaround, former front-runner John McCain will capture the Republican nomination for president. McCain's surge will occur after Mitt Romney refers to his formerly corpulent opponent Mike Huckabee as “Fatty,” prompting Huckabee to crack dirty jokes about Brigham Young. On the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton will fend off Barack Obama and John Edwards, but only after channeling her inner Lady Macbeth to turn Obama into Othello and Edwards into a bottle of mousse. Interest in the McCain-Clinton battle will spike when new details emerge about the vodka drinking game (a true story) involving the two senators and their campaign staffers on a trip to Estonia in 2004. Late endorsements by Smirnoff and Absolut will swing the election to McCain. Despondent at the loss of yet another presidential election, Democrats will have a good cry, seek counseling then complain about the incoming regime. And like a Concord City Councilman, they'll cave to any Republican demands. The world of science and intelligence will be all aflutter when it's revealed that a warrantless National Security Agency wiretap has intercepted messages sent from aliens on one of Jupiter's moons. The excitement will be muted when the decoded recordings state, “Rosie O'Donnell is sexy. Rosie O'Donnell is hot. Colonization begins in 12 days. Ready or not.” In response to the (illegal?) alien threat, several Republicans will call for a wall to be built covering Earth. Still another GOP faction will seek to invade because “It's better to fight them over there than over here. Besides, they could be sitting on a huge stash of oil.” Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton will form an acappela group called “The Three Sinners.” The movie and television writers strike will be resolved just in time for the Screen Actors Guild and the Directors Guild to walk the picket lines. As a fallback, Hollywood will utilize 100 chimpanzees to crank out material. Box office receipts will soar, especially when “King Kong 2: No More Monkey Business” hits theaters. άber-chic TV show “Lost” will go on permanent hiatus after Jorge Garcia, the dude who plays Hurley, mistakes castmate Evangeline Lilly for a bucket of KFC's wings and drumsticks. On the sports front, controversy will swirl around New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick after he mistakenly returns his “Patriot Games” DVD to Blockbuster with a hidden video of the New York Jets showering instead. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell punishes Belichick by forcing him to watch John Travolta's Scientology classic “Battlefield Earth” 2008 times. In statewide sports, North Carolina will win the ACC championship then falter in the Elite Eight when Wayne Ellington goes 1-for-35 on 3-pointers, including 28 bricks from midcourt, against Whatsamatta U. Tar Heels head coach Roy Williams blames the loss on the poor depth perception at Bobcats Arena. As for Duke, a remarkable regular season will instead be tarnished. The trouble occurs when head coach Mike Krzyzewski, outraged that the officials are not giving the Blue Devils every stinking call, morphs into a fire-breathing dragon and orders his players to break as many opposing noses as possible. Local News Editor Paul Teague, who fortunately is not clairvoyant, covers government for the News-Topic. His e-mail is pteague@newstopic.net
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